Vitelliani # 1 (7/1/08)

My dearest love,
We have weathered 4 weeks and 4 days together now. We are separated now and things are harder than they have been due to our separation. I apologize that our situation has become more grim with the possibility of your having gestational diabetes. I know this saddens you greatly as well as the fact that Boston’s heart rate keeps spiking indicating undue stress. Our journey is not an easy one, but our children, if anything, are the delight of our eye and we will sacrifice all for them and their well-being. Is there ever a more noble cause to pursue than the happiness and growth of our children? There could be nothing that makes my heart swell more with vigor and emotion than to fight unceasingly for the life and well-being of our first boy. He is already so much like our other children in the womb…feisty, active, and distinct in his gestures. It seems as though I can relate a little bit of the both of us to his activity as we watch him on the ultrasound. Amazing! Life surely begins in the womb, but as you know, I am most sympathetic to medical terminations and the decisions that families, parents, and mothers must make as it pertains to the quality of life and termination. The assumptions are endless as the mind sorts through the decisions and tries to apply reason and logic to abstract facts. I do not wish to tread through those grounds again, but for our child I will do anything. Life is so bleak and yet so magnificent. If I could take an ounce of truth from this situation I would state that life is the most magnificent of all systems. Not because of the suffering, but as a result of it. The law of opposites grants unto the man the great divide of fortune and fame or misery and despair. Such opposite can cripple a man at the cross roads, but the fact of that choice is present and can be owned is the most sublime grandeurs of thought. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are the choicest of words put forth as mans inalienable rights. Rights to partake in, rights always present in life. I have grasped at the thought that every moment, every choice can seized upon to elevate ones present status. The choice, the power is within all of us and ever present. Hope is the helium of choice and fear the gravity of what might be.
I miss you so much in the quite of the night. I wonder what you are thinking and what is racing through your mind. I know the heart grows fonder with the distance between, but fond hearts have no need of time and distance—only the constant connection that gives life. I miss your smile in the morning, the noise of the children, and their little voices eager to partake in the new day. We have created this sublime circle and I cannot seem to find the spark when my circle is without my own. A day with you is like morning sunshine on my face and at night you are the graceful and constant star in the north. Warmth and guidance. These days I run on the frustration that nature has delivered me. I hope I can be of some good to my boy. He is such a fighter already—he’s a champ. Will my actions be a buffer and strength to him in this forsaken world? And will he always know that ALL my children are the apple of my eye? My prayers have grown dim and my will to act vibrant. These days I feel I am a Deist. The Lord of host, in his wisdom allows for nature to run its course and man to act upon his whims. I will not resort any longer to the notion that I am to accept the death of my child or feel that I am to allow the any misfortune to come upon him. I feel as the Gods before men of all ages, whom rightfully stood up and acted on the moment and turned fate upside down. A man can always to good in any situation, but he must search it out within himself. In these silent moments we find the grit and the will of man to better ones lives and those around him. Some men will draw a circle around themselves, others their families, and yet some men will encompass a great many people and be a mighty star unto them. I will no longer repose the will within me. The time has come for those who can…to stand up and to be a banner to others. I have seen enough suffering in this world to know that many men can do a great evil and that one man can change countless lives and change the minds of man. The fervor I feel can no longer observe the atrocities of choice. As I reflect upon my childhood and recall the great people I have associated with, I can only conclude that my life is of great importance. So much sacrifice, so many teachings, so much care, so much love from so many people. People have provided me so much and I have acted with such frail ambition. Gravity has resisted me enough and our family. We must rise up and be more. Fresno has always been a beacon of strength, a staff of correction, and an anthem to all that is good. I must expand upon those days and make them count a more sure measure to life. I promise you Shelby that our lives will be counted for good, our story will be told, and we will be a buoy to those who have fallen behind and lost the glimmer of life. Everyone should experience a childhood like mine and all should enjoy the company of friends like those from Fresno, California.